who is (was, will be) my pap, really?

so my pap is dead since may of 2001. i think about him but i dont miss him. he beat me and my brudder when we was kids. my brudder is a disabled alcoholic junkie. i work in a hell hole factory for just enough money to buy food and pay property taxes to keep the house. i also can afford electricity and a phone and internet (no cable tv) and run a POS saturn (because it is 15 years old). his child rearing method was very effective.

when i was a young man i got a grant from the state of new jersey to go to rutgers. at that time a semester only cost $530 (a good union wage then was $5.50 an hour). mam and pap always yelled and scream at me to get a job, they told me they were poor people and didnt have any money for me. mam or pap did not say, “good son, you have a grant to go to college. get good grades and we will provide room and board. we want you to succeed in life”. nope, after i graduated high school it was, “when are you moving out?”. so i did. oh, it took me a while. i think i hung around to harass mam and pap, subconsciously, of course. i had nothing to compare my life to at the time. it’s only now i can recall those events in put them into perspective. i bet lots of uhmerikans come from abusive and unsupportive homes.

take nancy kerrigan, the famous skater. her brother killed her father. that nasty old irishman probably wrote the son off and treated him like shit. my pap was an angry old irishman. i saw parallels from that family in mine. uhmerika is a sick, sick nation. we are all victims of the modern age.

but pap was always mean and nasty. i remember being afraid of him as a child. lots of beatings. i often wonder why he was so low down and ornery. was it because he was stuck in dead end jobs with low pay and psychopathic bosses? he became a fireman down in newark,nj during the “race riots” or some would say the rebellion for equal rights. my pap was a racist. he hated niggers, that’s his words not mine. did that affect him some how? saving black people, the people he hated?

i went to a few of those firehouses with and my brudder as kids it scared me. nasty chas. dickens type places in nasty slum areas. he became a captain when i was still in grammar school. this did not mellow him out.

many years later when i was on my own, taking care of myself as best i could, i met a young bloke about 18. i was 28. he told me his pap was cool and mellow and happy at work, the same place we both worked at (a defense factory) but mean and nasty and angry at home. he asked me why his dad would be like that. i could offer him no insight. but perhaps i got an insight. maybe my pap was happy and mellow and cool to be around at work but mean at home. maybe he had split personality. i did notice he mellowed out after he retired.

but it was too late. he once asked me out of the blue how things were going. i just told him, “the same as always”. that’s all i ever told him. he really wasnt interested in helping all those years before.

it was “sink or swim”. my brudder, he sank. me? i am still only treading water.

i like to think that me and my brudder were an experiment of some evil goober mint agency. mam and pap were coached in what to do and got paid big bucks.
when pap died he left me nothing, nothing. i am only guessing. never saw a will. mam and sisters say he left everything to herself. about 8 years later one of my sisters tells me mam has $500,000 in cash in the bank!

the asshole wouldnt even help me go to college. I HAD A GRANT! some father. that is why i call him pap and curse his spirit. now that i look back i realize i never had a relationship with him. i did use his garage lots to fix my car but he never gave me money to take it to a mechanic. he never helped me buy a car.

i never borrowed money off of him. worked save borrowed, even declared bankrupcy. that was much preferable than asking him for help.

he complained to me about my brudder, how he had to bail him out of jail and pay for lawyers. he had to help two of his daughters with finances they incurred.

“good sons dont ask their fathers for help.”