my own mental illness

i sort of picked on me mam and pap and brudder. of course i was mentally ill when i was a kid. i was withdrawn and didnt speak much at school. i wasnt very good at sports. i liked to day dream all of the time.
when i was raging hormones in the late teens i even contemplated raping my sisters. i dont know if all young men have those urges. that is another reason i withdrew from family life. had no acceptable way to deal with biological urges.
i was afraid of women any way. all i could say when confronted by one is “buh” and “duh”.
no support at home. mam and pap always screaming to get a job. my brudder mixed up with heavy drug use and divers companions.
so i had to fend for myself. i had a string of jobs. met all sorts of mentally ill people. satan worshipers, other drug users, scammers and con artists.
let me tell you the big secret about new jersey. it’s full of “FUCK YOU!” in your face people. just look at our current goober-ner crispy crisp. too busy on vacation in disney land during a 3 foot snow storm. then when he comes back a week later after the snow is picked up and partially melted he goes to one of the hardest hit counties and tells everyone what a great job the goober mint is doing. then he sez no one will remember this in 6 months. if that isnt “FUCK YOU!” in your face what is? but i digress.
did i mention my best friend isabel passed away some years ago? isabel and her mentally disabled sister ruthie were my surrogate family.
sure, i still have a mom and a brudder and 3 sisters but they aint my family. i have absolutely no emotional relationship with them. unless one can include hatred…
mam and pap used to complain to me in confidence i guess about how they were disappointed they had to spend their money to bail my brudder and two of my sisters out of each one’s respective problems. my brudder was drug related and my sisters were related to bad first husbands.
i was married myself for 10 years. luckily i was able to get a no contest divorce. at the time neither me or the ex had a pot to piss in.
in all the years i moved out, and i did move out late, i never, ever axed mam and pap for any money. often i was desperate. but i knew mam and pap would gnash their teeth and bang their bloody hands on their chests if i so much as axed for a farthing.
they did give me $5000 when i got married. nothing before and nothing after. nothing in pap’s will but i never seen the will, just hearsay from mam and me sisters. so it’s obvious that i wasnt a full fledged member of the clan to begin with.
mam jackassed me much about the new will and how everything is taken care of, except you see, it’s private. as her son i cant see the will or get a copy.
so i think that what ever problems i may have had and still have are a good part their doing.
when mam was telling me she will be dead soon(3 years ago now and counting!) i called each sister in turn many times and could come to no conclusion. each one of my 3 sisters blew smoke up my ass.
well, i never mixed in much them any way. they lived far away, old fashioned stay at home moms. i have nothing in common with them except we had the same biological parents.
when i was a kid i used to get migraines, bad ones. puking, visual disturbances, terrible head aches, pins and needles in the hands. when i was in my teens i was getting them in clusters, often a few times a week. i went for tests on pap’s medical insurance. found out it’s migraines. i was even suicidal. went to a shrink for a while. waste of time. smoking pot helped. but i noticed after i moved out the migraines subsided. rarely get one now and mostly mild.
so i wonder, was it my less than ideal home life and parenting?
i’m in my mid fifties now. my family, isabel ad ruthie, are gone, biological family good for nothing, lousy dead end job in a stinking hell hole factory. i guess i’m doing pretty good considering.
the TSA hasnt grabbed my balls yet!

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