snuffing it

lit ill alex from a clockwork orangutan tried to snuff it, that is do hiz self in, commit suicide. me mam may have snuffed it. mam had diabetes. mam wuz supposed to take medicine to control it. mam never told me nuthin about her health, just here say from 3 femail siblings.  i suspect mam may haz been required to shoot up insulin. mebbe mam equated  hypodermic syringes wiff junkies main lining heroin.

a few times i spoke to her she shouted at me that she wuz a junkie! A JUNKIE! then mam used to call how she self medicated wiff over the counter allergy pills. mam had and could afford health insurance. the cost of doctorb (the b stands for bargain) prescribed  drugs wuz not an issue.

but… what if mam could not come to grips wiff the death of me pap, that is mam’s husband? i tried to talk to my 3 femail siblings but i cood not come to a consensus. no talking to mam about it. mam used bean a mother as a shield. all i got wuz, “i’m yur mother. i dont haz to ‘splain anythin to you!” or “yur my son! you cant talk to me dat way!”.

so i got angry. i wood say pissed off even. i sassed mam. but mam wuz tuff. mam wood back track for a month or so and then go back to “normal” as if nuthin haz happened.

mam had a stroke related to her condition, wuz horse pit all ized and then needed an amputation before kicking off, i felt powerless to change anything. i gave up. i told mam not to call anymore. i never  called the 3 femail siblings.

what i shood have done wuz knock my 3 femail siblings’ hades together and taken charge of mam’s health. i shood have gone before a judge and got power of attorney to force mam to do the proper health related procedures.

perhaps i did as an alter ego in some parallel universe. but what iffen mam just wanted to die? but why did it have to be so messy? what wuz wiff dee torture of mam’s childrens? wuz dat necessary? i did not have mam’s confidence so i cant say. very few people know how to die in uhmerika.

i wonder how many other people have to go through long drawn out deaths of parents? since i sat it out on the sidelines i reduced my emotional baggage to a petulant “meh!”. is it normal to be bent out of shape and mentally deranged from a mother’s death? or is it crazy to characterize it as a petulant “meh!”?  personally i prefer the “meh!”.  it ought to have ben different.

since mam wuz into secrecy i went wiff it. let her death be a private matter as mam’s life wuz. as a son i felt an outcast. perhaps i need therapy. the whole famblee needz therapy.

i do grieve. i regret that mam had no imagination to do “it” wiff style. perhaps, wiff mam’s passing  some light will finally on the true relationships between parents and childrens of this mixed up and confused famblee. as probate unfolds i may finally get an insight as to what wuz really goan down. supreme court, chancery is a lame place form a famblee to get therapy.

all mixed up

so me mam kicks off and all i feel is anger towards my femail siblings. not even lots of anger. i wood characterize it as a petulant “meh!”.

mam told me she wanted to kick me brudder out of the will. we had a long discussion about what happened wiff me when i wuz in probate when me friend passed away. so mam decides to use all the wood of cood of shood ofz i told her. forth with i wrote a letter to me brudder that he shood get lawyered up as mam kicked him out of the will. i told sister #1 this and she got very upset. sister #1 axed me if i wasnt worried if me brudder wood kill mam. well, i know me brudder is nuts but not that nuts.

the gist of the conversation wiff sister #1 wuz she sed in the same conversation about 10 minnits later wuz that she told her kidz that when she gets like our mam she wants her kids to shoot her. i guess sister #1 meant shoot to kill, exactly like sister #1 wuz afraid me brudder wood do to our mam.

it wood seem that sister #1 wood say anything to make her point without worrying about inconsistency or logic or continuity. it does make for an excellent blog entry.

when mam told me she had a lawyer modify the will to kick me brudder out i called sister #3 to ax her if i cood see the will. sister #3 told me in the most obnoxious manner the will is private. then in the most sarcastic tone axed if i didnt trust her as she is my sister. sister #3 told that she drives mam everywhere and wood know if mam went to a lawyer. but what if a lawyer went to mam. lawyers still make house calls. aint uhmerika a great country?

sister #2 had this concerned tone in her voice but made it cleer she aint going to do nuthin or at least not tell me what she is doing . 3 sisters and i cood not get a straight answer out of any of them or any consensus as to what to do proper like.

mam stopped taking her meds 3 yeers ago. over and over in phone calls from that time frame mam told me in hysterical terms that she is a JUNKIE! mam had diabetes and needed both diet and medicine to control it. maybe mam had to shoot up with a needle.

me brudder used to shoot up heroin back in the day using needles, home made needles. mam cood not distinguish between drug abuse and necessary medication. perhaps mam wanted to commit suicide. mam often mentioned how she will be ded soon.  i am  not sure if 3 yeers later is soon but it’s sooner than 10, 15 or 20 yeers later. mam had a stroke related to not taking medicine and then right before mam kicked off, an amputation.

3 yeers ago i told sister #1 mam needed a home health aid. a home health aid makes sure the client takes meds and eats proper, assists with mobility to avoid falls. sister #1 mentioned she wood look into it and get back to me which sister #1 never did.

shortly after this went down i had my famous “knicker” conversation wiff mam. mam told me how she doesnt want “knickers” around her or have to look at them. maybe mam wuz afraid that the home health aid wood be a “knicker”.

my mam is very phony. mam sez one thing and does another. in private mam is one way but in public another. when i saw mam last in the horse pit all a yeer before mam kicked off, i saw a black woman come out of a door into the hallway past mam’s room and mam waved at her and sed “hi!” in the most friendly manner which wuz hard tp believe after the famous “knicker” conversation but then not so hard knowing of her duplicity.

but then just the day before mam tried to leave the horse pit all and while being restrained shouted out, “DONT TRUST YUR CHILDRENS! THEY’LL PUT YOU IN THE OLD FOLKS HOME”.

i never tried to put my mam in the old folks home. i never conspired  with anyone to do so. i even offered to sister #1 for mam to move in wiff me sister #1 shouted back at me,”YOU CANT DO THAT!”. sister #1 never explained why i coodnt do that. i visited mam for the last time right after and i waited for mam to say something like, “i wuz off my nut and sed some harsh things i regret. please for give me”. nope, mam and sister #1 looked at the tv and sed, “OOO! shark week!”. i left in disgust.

when pap kicked off sister #1 called and sed mam got everything. i never saw pap’s will. that wuz 11 yeers ago. in my state since 3 yeers before that probate required next of kin and those named in the will to get a copy of the will withing 70 days of death.i never saw anything legal pertaining to me pap’s death. wuz it oversight, an honest mistake? or something more sinister?

me brudder sed something to mam to freak her out. as first born, me brudder wanted $100,000 (or so mam sed). me brudder sed it wuz just an inquiry. i told mam to update the will as she saw fit. sister #3 took her to a lawyer and mam told me everyone gets an even share. mam told me lots about the updated will but never sent me a copy, it’s private, you know…

but since pap died mam told me over and over mam wanted me to have the house. i never pushed it because i always figgered mam wuz bull shitting me. one of the reasons i stopped talking to me mam right after here 1st  stroke is because once again mam told me i cood have the house. when i told 3 sisters that they all freaked out. mam told me she never sed that. well, guess what? six weeks later mam told me i cood have the house. so mam called and i told her never to call again.

now mam is ded and i dont feel anything except a petulant “meh!”. sister #1 sez i shood get therapy. i think the whole famblee, me, me brudder, sister #1, sister #2 and sister #3 should get therapy. pap needed therapy when he wuz beeting the shit of of me and me brudder. mam needed therapy when mam wuz lying through her teeth for all those yeers.

this here blog is my therapy. if needz be our famblee can always have “therapy” in supreme court, chancery if there is any crooked thievery. the will is no longer private and of course this time around probate procedures will be followed. i finally get to find out who is bullshitting me, mam? sister #1? sister #2? sister #3?

just for clarity, i wus/is/will be a functioning autistic adult, famblee upbringing more than likely. i worked it out and overcame this up bringing. when i tried to talk to me mam as a concerned adult son mam wood cut me off quick with a, “I’M YUR MOTHER YOU CANT TALK TO ME LIKE THAT!” or “YUR MY SON, I DONT HAVE TO EXPLAIN ANYTHING TO YOU!”  i freely admit to being a second rate son, being the second son born. i made a deliberate decision to bail out of the whole “death of mam” scene. in fact i have indicated how angry i am with the whole situation to me brudder and 3 sisters. it appears the 3 sisters are pissed off at me. well, ok. it just seems that my actions may result in losing my cut of the famblee fortune, if any.” meh” (petulantly so!)

stay tuned for the exciting conclusion!

mum dies

Obituary for Sophie R. 
 Sophie R—, 82, of  —- Township, passed away peacefully, Thursday, September 6, 2012 surrounded by the love of her family at —- University Medical Center, N—e. Born in —, she lived in —, — and — before moving to — Township In 1985. 
She was a loving wife, mother and grandmother whose family was the center of her world. She enjoyed gardening, watching Judge Judy, and having a good cup of coffee & cheesecake. In 1976 she was thrilled to be chosen (by local newspaper) mother of the year. 
Sophie was the beloved wife of the late Daniel J. — ( 2001) with whom she had 5 children. She is survived by….

me mum wuz mother of the yeer but me brudder is an alcoholic junkie and i am an emotional zombie. up until a yeeer ago mum always told me not to ask for help. 56 yeers of “dont ask for help”. when i wuz a troubled young man mum used to yell and scream at me to get out! they had no money for me. they were poor people. then when i tried to go to rutgers on a scholarship they insisted i get a job so i dropped out.

well, i can support myself, for now. i am on my own. i take care of myself to the best of my abilities, which are wanting. i avoided jail and criminal court .i stay out the man’s way and the man stays out of my way. in that respect only i am a success. if so it is in spite of the mother of the yeer instead of because of it.

this is what mum taught me:
a good son never asks his mum for help. mum taught me to take care of myself as i am on my own. after i left home mum never had to pay my bills. after i left home mum never had to take care of me. i never asked mum for help although mum let me use her garage for car repairs. mum never had to bail me out of jail. i borrowed $180 off mum 38 years ago which i paid back in full. i made sure i never had to borrow money off of mum again. mum gave me $5000 when i got married. she sent me $1000 unasked for, once. yet i have not been a good son. i have no one to blame except myself. condolences to all.